To be single is getting a text at 10 a.m. on a Saturday to meet for coffee with the girls and go over the details from Friday night.
To be single is, talking about a far-fetched crush and every other guy that walks by that is sexy, has a hot smile, nice ass or good shoes.
To be single is having a really bad day and calling all of your girlfriends in your contacts list hoping one of them will answer so you can fall apart.
To be single is, being the friend on the other end of the phone when your girlfriend is falling apart.
To be single is, going to dinner at 8 p.m. last minute on a Sunday and not worrying about if you are going to be out too late.
To be single is, fighting with the zipper on the back of your cocktail dress, welling up with tears because you think you are going to have to sleep in the damn thing.
To be single is, taking a whole day or weekend to yourself, doing exactly what you want to, even if that means not answering the phone, or leaving the house.
To be single is, flirting recklessly at the bar and knowing you are going home alone anyway just to remind yourself “I still got it.”
To be single is, learning from every relationship and not making the same mistake twice, three, four times...
To be single is going with the flow on holidays when sometimes you just want to do your own thing or leave the country.
To be single is, dealing with inappropriate guys asking things like “who are you boning these days,” and thinking to yourself “fuck my life, are you serious.”
To be single, is being the aunt and feeling overwhelmed and loved by two amazing little people that aren’t your own but feeling so proud and happy that you can't help but brag and show pictures of them like they are.
To be single, is the hope and the knowledge that “single” isn’t a dirty word it’s just a part of your evolution until partnership.
To be single is, being asked “just one?” when you dine out alone but feel “I’m not JUST anything,”
To be single is, holding out hope that they guy you really, really, really want to call will, and then he doesn’t and you are a little bit heartbroken but you know that’s ridiculous and you move on.
To be single is, knowing who you are, liking who you are and having faith that GOD WILLING someone else will be the yin to your yang.
To be single is knowing that outside of a relationship with a man you are still deeply loved and appreciated by your friends and family.
To be single is, eating some pickles, 3 pieces of cheese and toast for dinner because cooking for one can feel taxing.
To be single is, taking one to many shots of lemoncello at a 35th birthday party, falling out of your chair and putting yourself to bed fully clothed.
To be single is, deciding to have the most amount of fun and appreciating the cards you have been dealt until you meet your person.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Collateral Damage
Where to begin....
I love, I love hard, sometimes even fast. Not that long ago a college friend said "Kate, is it hard for you to fall in love?" I thought about it and I said... "No, I truly believe you gotta give it your best shot early on, let down your guard and go for it, just to see if its the real deal." Maybe when I was in my teens and twenties I was a little more apprehensive but in my thirties, I don't have time for games. I'm clear. I know what I want fundamentally and I know without a shadow of a doubt it's possible. Sure, there are moments when I am scared that I may have missed my relationship opportunity or I have moments of panic if I will ever have the family and life I have ALWAYS wanted. However, my hopeful self has got to believe, it hasn't happened just yet.... not because I am weird or defective but when it does happen for me it will be absolutely right. Not to say that I don’t want to beat the hell out of my gyno every friggen annual visit when she asks, " Are you thinking about children? You really should at your age?!" My gut instinct is to lash out with violence and hateful commentary.... such as "Hey, fuck yourself, you insensitive old bat, if I could get a FUCKING date with a guy who did not suck I would not be in this predicament."
I love men, I do, and I have not made the best decisions. Not because I have been a total naive, dumbass but my faith in humanity sometimes surpasses my judgment. I have been known to compromise what I want or what is healthy, for a relationship that is going nowhere. Denial is not so beautiful. Over the years I’ve learned a few things. I now know, when a man says, "I don't know what I want," it is code for... "I don't want you." Brutal as it is, it's the truth. My last three significant relationships have ended a little like this... "I don't know what I want." "I’m confused," “I need to do some soul searching," I Love you, but I don't think I ever want to be married or have kids," "I need some time." Come on guys, have the balls to get out before we go down this road. Just because I have girl parts does not mean I will fall apart. Sure, I’ll cry and maybe hit the cupcakes for a week but I will bounce back. On a side note, 2 of the 3 guys ended up getting married to the women they dated right after me. One guy got engaged six months after we broke up. That hurt like hell.
I’m not high maintenance, nor do I have weird or unrealistic expectations of a relationship. I've been the "best friend," “the funny friend,” the girl who "if I didn't have you I would have never gotten this far in my career," "you are so wonderful I want to have you in my life as my friend always." Great, however, they (those girls above) come with a cost... to me, not you my man friends and lovers. I'm good people; my heart and soul are huge and full. I will love you without fear and with only the most positive expectations of outcome. The reality is not everyone is a fit and sometimes things just do not work out. I know, and I also know it’s not worth hanging onto something like a bulldog for fear of being alone. As noted earlier, I have learned a few things.
My real point is, if you really don’t want to commit or be in a long-term relationship or at least see if there is potential, please don’t talk to me. Please don’t tell me I have a nice smile; I have great teeth (6 years of braces). Yes, I am smart and funny and sometimes biting. Yes, I also have very long eyelashes, thank you for noticing. I know what I want out of and in a relationship. I’ve been dating for some time now to figure that out. I am not deluded into thinking I am going to have the romantic comedy ending. Though that would be REALLY cool. Nor am I looking for the pretty pretty princess fairytale. Relationships are hard work. I handle them, with edge, grace, dignity, blinding honesty, humor, love and passion. Please do me the courtesy to sort your shit out first. I am not your test case to figure out what you want. I will no longer be your Collateral Damage.
I love, I love hard, sometimes even fast. Not that long ago a college friend said "Kate, is it hard for you to fall in love?" I thought about it and I said... "No, I truly believe you gotta give it your best shot early on, let down your guard and go for it, just to see if its the real deal." Maybe when I was in my teens and twenties I was a little more apprehensive but in my thirties, I don't have time for games. I'm clear. I know what I want fundamentally and I know without a shadow of a doubt it's possible. Sure, there are moments when I am scared that I may have missed my relationship opportunity or I have moments of panic if I will ever have the family and life I have ALWAYS wanted. However, my hopeful self has got to believe, it hasn't happened just yet.... not because I am weird or defective but when it does happen for me it will be absolutely right. Not to say that I don’t want to beat the hell out of my gyno every friggen annual visit when she asks, " Are you thinking about children? You really should at your age?!" My gut instinct is to lash out with violence and hateful commentary.... such as "Hey, fuck yourself, you insensitive old bat, if I could get a FUCKING date with a guy who did not suck I would not be in this predicament."
I love men, I do, and I have not made the best decisions. Not because I have been a total naive, dumbass but my faith in humanity sometimes surpasses my judgment. I have been known to compromise what I want or what is healthy, for a relationship that is going nowhere. Denial is not so beautiful. Over the years I’ve learned a few things. I now know, when a man says, "I don't know what I want," it is code for... "I don't want you." Brutal as it is, it's the truth. My last three significant relationships have ended a little like this... "I don't know what I want." "I’m confused," “I need to do some soul searching," I Love you, but I don't think I ever want to be married or have kids," "I need some time." Come on guys, have the balls to get out before we go down this road. Just because I have girl parts does not mean I will fall apart. Sure, I’ll cry and maybe hit the cupcakes for a week but I will bounce back. On a side note, 2 of the 3 guys ended up getting married to the women they dated right after me. One guy got engaged six months after we broke up. That hurt like hell.
I’m not high maintenance, nor do I have weird or unrealistic expectations of a relationship. I've been the "best friend," “the funny friend,” the girl who "if I didn't have you I would have never gotten this far in my career," "you are so wonderful I want to have you in my life as my friend always." Great, however, they (those girls above) come with a cost... to me, not you my man friends and lovers. I'm good people; my heart and soul are huge and full. I will love you without fear and with only the most positive expectations of outcome. The reality is not everyone is a fit and sometimes things just do not work out. I know, and I also know it’s not worth hanging onto something like a bulldog for fear of being alone. As noted earlier, I have learned a few things.
My real point is, if you really don’t want to commit or be in a long-term relationship or at least see if there is potential, please don’t talk to me. Please don’t tell me I have a nice smile; I have great teeth (6 years of braces). Yes, I am smart and funny and sometimes biting. Yes, I also have very long eyelashes, thank you for noticing. I know what I want out of and in a relationship. I’ve been dating for some time now to figure that out. I am not deluded into thinking I am going to have the romantic comedy ending. Though that would be REALLY cool. Nor am I looking for the pretty pretty princess fairytale. Relationships are hard work. I handle them, with edge, grace, dignity, blinding honesty, humor, love and passion. Please do me the courtesy to sort your shit out first. I am not your test case to figure out what you want. I will no longer be your Collateral Damage.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sandman
When Sandy married mom, he married the three of us. He became the missing piece to our whacky puzzle. 2 kids, a cat, a hamster that ate the curtains and a divorcée, the man said yes anyway.
Many of you know Sandy as a sweetheart of a guy, a scratch golfer and someone you would want to do business with. But for me, he was the most supportive, patient, loving and generous dad.
Last year when I moved back from Atlanta I had the opportunity to live with my parents again. Not ideal for a 33 year old woman but looking back I am extremely grateful for the time I got to spend with Sandy. Each morning I would wake up to the smell of Sandy brewing coffee and cooking breakfast for the dogs (I’m serious). I would make my way downstairs and we would usually rap about the paper, work, his golf game (mostly his putting) or business. On more than one occasion I would vent about my utter frustration with my many layoffs or relationships that went bust, wondering when I would FINALLY get it right. Sandy never judged or lectured he just believed in me and reminded me in his very pragmatic way… “It will happen for you Kate, don’t worry about it, look at me, I didn’t get my career in order until my 30’s and didn’t get married until I was 33”. If I really got him talking he would include some of his earlier career paths that involved some inappropriate “movie” investments and other odd jobs he had done prior to hitting his stride in insurance. He always calmed me down, asked me what my plan was and made me feel like I was going to land on my feet.
Sandy also had a way of making me feel incredibly special. Mom was Sandy’s best friend and teammate; I was his “girl.” And, he made sure I knew it, especially at Christmas. For several years now Sandy had been going to a jewelry store in Los Altos. He picked something out for my mom and he picked something out for me (all by himself). On Christmas Eve mom and I would sit in our jammies, glass of champagne in hand and open our gifts. It was the best feeling to know how tickled he was to see us open our gifts and how loved I felt that he took the time and effort to pick something out just for me.
A few days after Sandy had passed I found myself in downtown Los Altos walking in to the store where he shopped for us. I was walking around and I started chatting with a woman and telling her that my Dad comes in every year and I showed her the bracelet that he got me about 5 years ago. She asked who he was… I told her, and then we both started to cry. Lindsay the woman I had been talking to had been the saleswoman that had been working with Sandy for the last several years. She looked at me somewhat amazed and said “Kate, I’ve never met you, but looking at you he totally got you, he said you were kind of sporty a little bit of a tom boy and not real frilly.” He was absolutely right. I went on to say to her, “ya know, I don’t even remember when he came into my life b/c he has always been there.” Lindsay looked at me with a sense of disbelief and a little confusion and said, “I didn’t know he wasn’t your “natural” father. I felt very proud and full of love.
Sandman was the kind of guy every girl should be lucky enough to have as a dad and every woman should aspire to marry.
Many of you know Sandy as a sweetheart of a guy, a scratch golfer and someone you would want to do business with. But for me, he was the most supportive, patient, loving and generous dad.
Last year when I moved back from Atlanta I had the opportunity to live with my parents again. Not ideal for a 33 year old woman but looking back I am extremely grateful for the time I got to spend with Sandy. Each morning I would wake up to the smell of Sandy brewing coffee and cooking breakfast for the dogs (I’m serious). I would make my way downstairs and we would usually rap about the paper, work, his golf game (mostly his putting) or business. On more than one occasion I would vent about my utter frustration with my many layoffs or relationships that went bust, wondering when I would FINALLY get it right. Sandy never judged or lectured he just believed in me and reminded me in his very pragmatic way… “It will happen for you Kate, don’t worry about it, look at me, I didn’t get my career in order until my 30’s and didn’t get married until I was 33”. If I really got him talking he would include some of his earlier career paths that involved some inappropriate “movie” investments and other odd jobs he had done prior to hitting his stride in insurance. He always calmed me down, asked me what my plan was and made me feel like I was going to land on my feet.
Sandy also had a way of making me feel incredibly special. Mom was Sandy’s best friend and teammate; I was his “girl.” And, he made sure I knew it, especially at Christmas. For several years now Sandy had been going to a jewelry store in Los Altos. He picked something out for my mom and he picked something out for me (all by himself). On Christmas Eve mom and I would sit in our jammies, glass of champagne in hand and open our gifts. It was the best feeling to know how tickled he was to see us open our gifts and how loved I felt that he took the time and effort to pick something out just for me.
A few days after Sandy had passed I found myself in downtown Los Altos walking in to the store where he shopped for us. I was walking around and I started chatting with a woman and telling her that my Dad comes in every year and I showed her the bracelet that he got me about 5 years ago. She asked who he was… I told her, and then we both started to cry. Lindsay the woman I had been talking to had been the saleswoman that had been working with Sandy for the last several years. She looked at me somewhat amazed and said “Kate, I’ve never met you, but looking at you he totally got you, he said you were kind of sporty a little bit of a tom boy and not real frilly.” He was absolutely right. I went on to say to her, “ya know, I don’t even remember when he came into my life b/c he has always been there.” Lindsay looked at me with a sense of disbelief and a little confusion and said, “I didn’t know he wasn’t your “natural” father. I felt very proud and full of love.
Sandman was the kind of guy every girl should be lucky enough to have as a dad and every woman should aspire to marry.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I'm Awkward....
It's been established that I have been dating for 17 years. With dating comes sex... with sex comes responsibility. I kind of feel like Spiderman!
I have been on and off birth control for the last 14 years. I went on it initially to regulate periods and help with headaches and because when I went off to college my mom suggested that I might meet someone I would want to have sex with. I believe her words were "Well, what if you meet Robert Redford or something?" I of course was horrified having just finished 4 years of Catholic school and was still a virgin. I did meet a guy; he was not Robert Redford… not even close.
After years of popping “the pill” decided to stop taking it because I was concerned it would affect my ability to reproduce later in life. I read the stories in Cosmo, I worry, I am not entirely sure what long term use of birth control can do to me in fact I don’t think anyone does. Knowing I want kids, I am a little paranoid. About six months ago I decided to go back on for two very good reasons: 1) I get incredible headaches every month due to hormones and the birth control I take helps with all the super fun things that come along with PMS 2) I decided it might be possible for me to ACTUALLY have the sex again after my last traumatic "I will never date or be vulnerable again" break up.
So here I am 33, and dating. I have met someone that I consider as a long term "potential," meaning I don't knock it out with everyone I meet. Because I enjoy the sex but don't want to get pregnant unless I am with "the right guy" I do what I can to make sure I will not be one of those girls that "ooopsy,' gets knocked up. Even with my responsible notions the actual act of buying condoms is freakin awkward for a girl.
Today I went to pick up my birth control and Walgreen’s and realized I was fresh out of condoms. Some people may think it's the guy’s job. But, if I want sex, and I don't have condoms, I'm not having sex. Because I am in my sexual prime, why would I take the risk of the possibility that my current suitor may not be prepared with party hats?
Picking up birth control is no big deal. I mean, most women have been on some sort of hormone therapy since the age of 16. For my generation it doesn't mean "ooh, single girl DOING IT OUT OF WEDLOCK" unlike generations before me.
To cover up my discomfort in picking up condoms I try to mask my purchase by me throwing in chips, some hair gel, maybe a lipgloss. Tonight I couldn't do it. I didn't have anything I could fake needing and I wasn't in the mood for a snack. So, I grabbed some condoms, quickly, only briefly reading what type I should buy. I saw "for her pleasure" and thought, damn, that's me. Then, I saw lubricant. I've never needed this personally but long time friends have raved about how awesome it is. I thought, "Ok, which one?" I didn't want to be caught reading the directions, indications, and the thought of something warming up on my girly bits disturbs me slightly. So, I went for the only one I have heard of ASTRO GLIDE.
I went to the register, asked for my birth control "Pick up for, Newby, Kate," handed over my condoms and lube, smiled with flushed cheeks knowing the bearded lady behind the counter was judging me. I felt like I had a sign above my head saying "SEX ON AISLE 7. In all of my awkward discomfort I managed to pay, grab my bag, shove it in my purse, turn on a heel and bolt for the door.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I believe
I believe in ice cream for breakfast and breakfast for dinner
I don’t believe in chain emails
I believe in fairies because if I don’t one will die
I don’t believe in love at first sight
I believe that sex on the first date is generally a bad idea but it happens
I believe in Déjà Vu
I believe everything happens for a reason (I have to after multiple break ups and layoffs)
I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore but I think all children should
I believe that Thanksgiving is a far more enjoyable holiday than Christmas, in fact I actually prefer Halloween to all notable holidays
I don’t believe anyone should ever light the pilot light in there gas oven after a few beers (believe me, I know)
I believe the Sweet Potato is underrated on the West Coast
I believe if you start your day with uncomfortable socks it’s a prelude to a bad day
I believe in following your gut even if you don’t like the outcome
I don’t believe I should pay $4.00 for coffee or gas but they are both necessary (for me)
I believe in God, if I didn’t I would have to admit that I am a crazy person talking to dead air
I believe Easter is an opportune time for me to purchase Cadbury Cream Eggs and Peeps Marshmallow candy
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions
I believe in rescues everyone should rescue a dog or cat at some point (unless they are allergic)
I don’t believe that just because you have an opinion you are at liberty to share it (though I personally struggle with this)
I believe in Karma
I believe the beer koozie is genius more people should embrace them
I don’t believe in Bud Light, because the Silver Bullet never lets me down
I do believe that you should always have a bottle of chilled champagne on hand
I believe that honesty is the best policy even when it hurts
I believe that lightening bugs are magic
I don’t believe you should ever compromise what you really really want but I think most people do
I believe that everything is better with cheese
I believe in the power of positive thinking but it is easier said that done
I believe that your oldest friends and family are the best people to keep you humble
I don’t believe in shots of tequila or shots in general
I do believe in a glass of wine shared with a good friend after a hard day, week, month, year
I don’t believe in low-rise pants, people are tired of seeing my butt crack
I believe in Mission Based Shopping, but I could spend hours in the grocery store
I believe every woman is allowed to feel like a princess
I don’t believe in the Fairy Tale but I believe in Happy Endings
I don’t believe in chain emails
I believe in fairies because if I don’t one will die
I don’t believe in love at first sight
I believe that sex on the first date is generally a bad idea but it happens
I believe in Déjà Vu
I believe everything happens for a reason (I have to after multiple break ups and layoffs)
I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore but I think all children should
I believe that Thanksgiving is a far more enjoyable holiday than Christmas, in fact I actually prefer Halloween to all notable holidays
I don’t believe anyone should ever light the pilot light in there gas oven after a few beers (believe me, I know)
I believe the Sweet Potato is underrated on the West Coast
I believe if you start your day with uncomfortable socks it’s a prelude to a bad day
I believe in following your gut even if you don’t like the outcome
I don’t believe I should pay $4.00 for coffee or gas but they are both necessary (for me)
I believe in God, if I didn’t I would have to admit that I am a crazy person talking to dead air
I believe Easter is an opportune time for me to purchase Cadbury Cream Eggs and Peeps Marshmallow candy
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions
I believe in rescues everyone should rescue a dog or cat at some point (unless they are allergic)
I don’t believe that just because you have an opinion you are at liberty to share it (though I personally struggle with this)
I believe in Karma
I believe the beer koozie is genius more people should embrace them
I don’t believe in Bud Light, because the Silver Bullet never lets me down
I do believe that you should always have a bottle of chilled champagne on hand
I believe that honesty is the best policy even when it hurts
I believe that lightening bugs are magic
I don’t believe you should ever compromise what you really really want but I think most people do
I believe that everything is better with cheese
I believe in the power of positive thinking but it is easier said that done
I believe that your oldest friends and family are the best people to keep you humble
I don’t believe in shots of tequila or shots in general
I do believe in a glass of wine shared with a good friend after a hard day, week, month, year
I don’t believe in low-rise pants, people are tired of seeing my butt crack
I believe in Mission Based Shopping, but I could spend hours in the grocery store
I believe every woman is allowed to feel like a princess
I don’t believe in the Fairy Tale but I believe in Happy Endings
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I'm going to be 40
Recently my friend noted "I'm going to be 50 in 4.5 years." I started laughing because it reminded me of the movie "When Harry Met Sally."
Sally: ...All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married. But the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?
Sally: No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's wrong with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
Sally: I'm too structured; I'm completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. And I'm going to be forty!
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday!
Harry: In eight years.
Folks, I've been dating for roughly the last 17 years. I'll admit, that seeing the number "17" attached to dating career hurts a a lil bit. In the last 17 years I have not met Mr. Right, sure I thought I did at least 3 times. But, I was dead ass wrong about how "Right" they were.
When you have been dating for 17 years and have not met your "person" you can occasionally doubt yourself much like Sally did in the movie. What is it about ME? Am I too opinionated, picky, obsessive compulsive, wacky? Or, am I just someone who hasn't crossed paths with my person yet. Or, is it that I, on some cosmic way had to get right with myself before the right person could come along and I could truly appreciate them and vice versa?
After 17 years of dating I can pretty much say that almost every single man I have dated is engaged, married and has children.
Do I want to live out my years with:
Emotionally unavailable, predictable Accountant - NO
Super needy, super jealous, super downer Archaeology Grad Student - NO
Self Centered, desperate, Mr. "I'm gonna" do (insert grand plan here) Art Director - NO
Homophobic, racist, selfish pilot with no sex drive - NO
Just like Sally, I will be 40... in 7 years. I'm confident that after 17 years of Mr. Wrong's that Mr. Right is closer than I think.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
ARE YOU SHIT'N ME?!
A couple of years ago I was sitting at a bar with two of my girlfriends, we had just gone to an event at the
As I relayed this hot tip about my non existent sex life to my two closest girlfriends, they looked at me in horror. I was drunk enough to dismiss it and sober enough to make up a barrage of excuses (he's tired, stressed, on the road, he has a lot on his plate).
Fast forward 1.5 years...
After spending plenty of time begging for sex (literally), asking Mr. Anti Sex to go to the doctor to find out if something was wrong with him, after standing buck ass naked in the hallway and having Prince Charming walk by and head to the computer, after crying to myself trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with ME, after we had spent a night out at a Christmas party and I was feeling particularly frisky and instead of jumping my bones he handed me his pants and turned on the TV (no kidding) I was at a loss. I convinced myself that sex wasn't everything and love is all that mattered. I promised him I would not leave him for this "minor" flaw. I stood by MY MAN. In the interim I became more miserable, found comfort at the bottom of a tub of Ben & Jerry's and lied my ass off to friends and family about how FUCKING happy I was and how he was "the one."
About a year ago we parted ways, abruptly after he decided that he didn't think he ever wanted children or to be married, clearly a fundamental difference, which he failed to mention 2 years prior. Lets be honest, things were strained, I couldn't go another month sans sex (7 months was long enough). At that point, misery was indeed my only company.
Recently I found out that he is engaged to be married. My gut reaction...
"ARE YOU SHIT'N ME, I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY!"
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