Collateral Damage

Where to begin....
I love, I love hard, sometimes even fast. Not that long ago a college friend said "Kate, is it hard for you to fall in love?" I thought about it and I said... "No, I truly believe you gotta give it your best shot early on, let down your guard and go for it, just to see if its the real deal." Maybe when I was in my teens and twenties I was a little more apprehensive but in my thirties, I don't have time for games. I'm clear. I know what I want fundamentally and I know without a shadow of a doubt it's possible. Sure, there are moments when I am scared that I may have missed my relationship opportunity or I have moments of panic if I will ever have the family and life I have ALWAYS wanted. However, my hopeful self has got to believe, it hasn't happened just yet.... not because I am weird or defective but when it does happen for me it will be absolutely right. Not to say that I don’t want to beat the hell out of my gyno every friggen annual visit when she asks, " Are you thinking about children? You really should at your age?!" My gut instinct is to lash out with violence and hateful commentary.... such as "Hey, fuck yourself, you insensitive old bat, if I could get a FUCKING date with a guy who did not suck I would not be in this predicament."

I love men, I do, and I have not made the best decisions. Not because I have been a total naive, dumbass but my faith in humanity sometimes surpasses my judgment. I have been known to compromise what I want or what is healthy, for a relationship that is going nowhere. Denial is not so beautiful. Over the years I’ve learned a few things. I now know, when a man says, "I don't know what I want," it is code for... "I don't want you." Brutal as it is, it's the truth. My last three significant relationships have ended a little like this... "I don't know what I want." "I’m confused," “I need to do some soul searching," I Love you, but I don't think I ever want to be married or have kids," "I need some time." Come on guys, have the balls to get out before we go down this road. Just because I have girl parts does not mean I will fall apart. Sure, I’ll cry and maybe hit the cupcakes for a week but I will bounce back. On a side note, 2 of the 3 guys ended up getting married to the women they dated right after me. One guy got engaged six months after we broke up. That hurt like hell.

I’m not high maintenance, nor do I have weird or unrealistic expectations of a relationship. I've been the "best friend," “the funny friend,” the girl who "if I didn't have you I would have never gotten this far in my career," "you are so wonderful I want to have you in my life as my friend always." Great, however, they (those girls above) come with a cost... to me, not you my man friends and lovers. I'm good people; my heart and soul are huge and full. I will love you without fear and with only the most positive expectations of outcome. The reality is not everyone is a fit and sometimes things just do not work out. I know, and I also know it’s not worth hanging onto something like a bulldog for fear of being alone. As noted earlier, I have learned a few things.

My real point is, if you really don’t want to commit or be in a long-term relationship or at least see if there is potential, please don’t talk to me. Please don’t tell me I have a nice smile; I have great teeth (6 years of braces). Yes, I am smart and funny and sometimes biting. Yes, I also have very long eyelashes, thank you for noticing. I know what I want out of and in a relationship. I’ve been dating for some time now to figure that out. I am not deluded into thinking I am going to have the romantic comedy ending. Though that would be REALLY cool. Nor am I looking for the pretty pretty princess fairytale. Relationships are hard work. I handle them, with edge, grace, dignity, blinding honesty, humor, love and passion. Please do me the courtesy to sort your shit out first. I am not your test case to figure out what you want. I will no longer be your Collateral Damage.